New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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