Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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