I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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