if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
