he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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