When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
