I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
