I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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