So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
