You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
