Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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