Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Randomize
