Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
