I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
