Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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