I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
