If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I am one with the molecules
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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