I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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