if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Randomize
