it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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