we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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