Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
