You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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