Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
