My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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