I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
