I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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