I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
