And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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