My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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