he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
