Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
