Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
its liver damage thursday
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