its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
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