I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
