he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
