So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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