the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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