Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
