What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
