it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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