How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
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