i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
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