Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I cut my penus on the lid.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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