Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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