Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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