Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My ass is underappreciated
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
