My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
zippers are such a cool invention
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
