I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
