last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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