its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
